Still Putting One Foot…

Hello everyone, I trust that your Thursday is going as well as possible. Today I’m gonna talk a little about Depression. I have dealt with depression for the majority of my life, however it’s only been over the last 6 or 7 years that I have actually received guidance and treatment.

All of us who struggle daily to put one foot in front of the other while battling any physical and/or mental health issue, should really stand up and take a bow! We are facing an uphill climb every single day. I was reviewing a number of advisory thoughts and quotes to help build a person’s strength and fortitude earlier today while trying to figure out what to talk with you all about, and all of them were in fact inspirational, yet they didn’t really give me that ‘Ohhh this is a good area to cover’ kind of feeling, so I’m just winging it this afternoon.

I have long periods of time such as what I have been dealing with of late that can be so hard to crawl out of. I feel always tired no matter how much sleep I manage to get. I’m sad in my heart or so it feels. This is a newly challenging month to work through as it is coming up on the one year anniversary of my Mother-in-Laws passing. Is this what is bothering me? I really don’t know. You see over all I’m doing okay with my health issues, except of course weight loss. Which I’m thinking is a big part of my current funk because for a moment I had been doing okay in this area, and over the last few weeks I have not been doing well with my food choices at all. I have an upcoming Rheumatology appointment and a bone density exam. This is causing nervousness as I have not been doing what she recommended for Vitamin D intake and my weight has gone up since last years visit. I just don’t feel as though I am worth anything.

I feel a constant self loathing for my failures in life and the pain and heartache they have caused. I’m also not finding the success I had hoped to obtain through different avenues of income generation. I do not want to continue to be the burden I am to my girls both now and definitely in the future with what could become. I live in pain on a daily some days worse than others of course and I have to ask what else can I do to improve my lot in this life? My feelings of guilt of late have been particularly heavy with no real apparent cause. So enough of the self pity, some how some way I have to pull myself up and dust myself off and decide that I am worthy, and I do deserve to find whatever joy I possibly can in this life, for none of us know when it will all be gone.

If you have stuck with me to this part then I just want to say ‘THANK YOU’ it means a lot. As always I hope that your day has and is a great one and that your tomorrow is even better.

~Heidi

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